In the past, the way that I have shown up for relationships has prevented me from experiencing deep connection. Even though I am a caring, loving person who is both thoughtful and open, the way in which I hid myself, my experience , and my truth from others didn’t allow others to contact me. I could be focused on intent on them. I could be focused  and intent on me. But I was unable to be both with me and them.

When I look back on my life, I can honestly say I have had very limited experiences of deep relationship. Sure, I’ve had deep conversations. Yes, I have had deep sensual connection. And I have felt seen and loved by others.

These three things blocked the point of connection between myself and others:

1.) I managed myself to appear as I thought they wanted me to be.

2.) I didn’t speak my truth because I didn’t want to risk loss of connection.

3.) I didn’t even look within myself to connect with my experience and emotion in relation to others.

Without these three elements on line, my relationships suffered. The very things I was conditioned to think that would get me relationships actually got in my way in the context of relationship.

I share more about this revelation in my newest video blog.

I feel nervous sharing this with you, and I am committed to revealing myself in service of our connection.


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It’s common to see our relationships through the lens of unconscious memories of people from our past (projections), through barriers or walls to intimacy (deflections), through old ideas from the past about who we are (introjections), through shame and guilt (retroflections), or through the opinions of others (confluence). In Gestalt psychotherapy, we call these Contact Boundary Disturbances. All of these disturbances are patterned ways of being in relationships that we developed early in life in an attempt to find safety and keep connection. These were adaptable strategies that helped us when we didn’t yet know how to stand in our dignity and our truth. 


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