I believe that we all long for deep intimacy. I also believe that we are deathly afraid of the vulnerability it takes to cultivate such depth of connection in our relationships.

In a recent article I wrote for Marriage.com titled “3 ways to cultivate intimacy in your marriage,” I share with readers my perspective on what keeps couples from meeting one another from a deeper place. The way in which our conditioning drives us to try to control ourselves and our partners in an attempt to find permanence and safety actually keeps us from the intimacy we desire.

This is the paradox of fear: In being afraid that you’ll leave me if I fully presence my authentic truth I kill our connection by hiding it from you.

Read more here to find our how you can shift the pattern and go deeper into your connection.




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It’s common to see our relationships through the lens of unconscious memories of people from our past (projections), through barriers or walls to intimacy (deflections), through old ideas from the past about who we are (introjections), through shame and guilt (retroflections), or through the opinions of others (confluence). In Gestalt psychotherapy, we call these Contact Boundary Disturbances. All of these disturbances are patterned ways of being in relationships that we developed early in life in an attempt to find safety and keep connection. These were adaptable strategies that helped us when we didn’t yet know how to stand in our dignity and our truth. 


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