I used to hide my truth from those around me in an attempt to earn love.
On the deepest most unconscious level, I thought that if you really new me that you would never like me, let alone love me.
I wrote about the cost of this in a recent article published by Tiny Buddha, titled “A Letter to my Exes: I’m sorry you never new me.”
Hiding myself was painful. I was lonely, and I was afraid. Constantly managing myself to try to fit the idea of what I thought other people wanted me to be for them was made all the more painful by how it seemed to work. People seemed to really like me.
The truth is I didn’t even recognize what I was doing until about 3 years ago, and I became even more painful aware of my self-management when I became a part of a community of people who practice a relational mediation called Circling. In the process of circling, I have been gifted the opportunity to look at my fear, specifically my fear of men, and all of the ways I’ve organized myself around that fear.
In a follow up article, published by Having Time, titled, “Let’s meet from our wholeness and see the sacred in one another,” I reveal more about my fear that has been present with me throughout most of my life.
The thing is that the dynamic that I want to create with a man is one that I have no model for. The old model of women as subservient to men does not fit for me. The rebound of women not needing men doesn’t fit for me either. I want to own my inner feminine and masculine in such a way that I feel so whole that I am able to meet a man from that place of wholeness. I want to stand in my dignity, without collapsing or dominating, and meet another from my truth, my vulnerability, and my essence.
Sharing all of this with you feels extremely vulnerable to me; however, I am committed to revealing my process to you in service of connection, growth, and evolution. When I hide the parts of myself that I feel shame about, I hide out in the recess of my shadow and prevent my own growth. I’ve found that when I share my inner world with you, we are more connected and the work that i am doing on myself seems to serve your growth in some way to.
I want you to remember your wholeness and meet your relationships from that place.
I want you to feel so aligned with your true nature, the source that beats your heart, that you feel empowered to create the life and relationships that are in service of your highest and best good.
I want you to feel safe to share your inner world with those around, because this is the place of connection and intimacy.
Wishing you deep intimacy, love, and empowerment in your life.
Love,
Harmony
