In case you didn’t know, I’m divorced. About 2 years ago I became so clear on the dysfunctional ways I engage in relationships that I could see that my marriage was based in destructive patterns. My ego is shaped to put other people’s needs first, to give of myself at the expense of my own needs (I’m a 2 on the Enneagram). This is based in a deeply unconscious belief that I am unworthy of love. Earning love kept me from experiencing actual love, and I felt lonely and empty. After 11 years together, I tried to renegotiate the unconscious terms of our relationship, but what I wanted was so different from what I had been engaging in that there seemed to be no way to create something new together.

In the time since my divorce, I’ve been doing personal research (aka: dating consciously) on how to keep the energy clean between two people in a love relationship. How do I meet someone without the projection of fantasy? How do I see someone for who they are not who I want them to be? How do I stay clear on what I need and not abandon that to earn love? And how do I show up for love without the old script?

The game of love is destructive. It’s based on misbeliefs about who we are and on what love is.  If I believe the unconscious thought that I’m unworthy of love, that belief shows up all day long in my relationships, and one of the most destructive ways is in my thinking that I need someone else’s approval to have worth. Abandoning myself and my voice is how that belief looks in my relationship dysfunction.

So now that I know this and can see it clearly, what do I do? How can I engage in real love? Can others meet me there?

What I know today is that when I vibrate at my own frequency of love, separate from my false self (or alter-ego) of fantasy and manipulation, I give others the opportunity to meet me there. When I show up for relationships with my destructive false self (even though she may appear to be so sweet and giving), I prevent myself from receiving real love.

Love cannot be strong armed. Love cannot be fabricated. Love cannot be manipulated. Love cannot be earned.

When we show up from our authentic, true self, our heart feels full and life is expansive. Stand your sacred ground. Let love vibrate through every cell of your body. And allow the universe to re-calibrate to your new way of being. When we are aligned in this way, life unfolds in the most beautiful way.

From my heart to yours, Love.

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Are you speaking your truth or are you just projecting?

It’s common to see our relationships through the lens of unconscious memories of people from our past (projections), through barriers or walls to intimacy (deflections), through old ideas from the past about who we are (introjections), through shame and guilt (retroflections), or through the opinions of others (confluence). In Gestalt psychotherapy, we call these Contact Boundary Disturbances. All of these disturbances are patterned ways of being in relationships that we developed early in life in an attempt to find safety and keep connection. These were adaptable strategies that helped us when we didn’t yet know how to stand in our dignity and our truth. 

 

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